Voices

I had a dream that I was walking around with a woman who looked exactly like me in appearance but totally opposite in personality. She had a cooler sense of style than me, seemed to have a lot of money, and she gave off the impression that she could take care of me. She was a lesbian, but somehow had a kid the same age as mine. The woman and I went everywhere together. She was superior to me in a lot of ways, but I suspected her superiority was an act. I was deep into a relationship with her, but it was not a typical romantic relationship. It was not love or attraction, just that she was taking care of me in life, financially and socially. At a family gathering, she made sarcastic comments about the people I spoke to, and she groaned about my family. I tried to defend them to her. I even stopped talking to family members mid-conversation to defend them to her. My family did not mind her comments, or even notice them. They were just confused about my sudden silence to them. That is when I realized: nobody could see her except me. I was struggling to maintain relationships because of her comments. Her whispers about how awful these people were paralyzed me from my normal life. Those same criticizing comments inflicted self doubt that prompted me to change a lot about my actions. From little things like how to dress, to big things like where to live. She tried to make me move into a big house she chose and mocked me when I expressed that I love my current home. I almost forgot about my own home in the whole process and I nearly moved in to hers. This woman was ruling my life and making it miserable, but I clung onto her because she was stronger than me and took care of me, and I needed that. I felt fragile and gullible. I felt I did not know what was good for myself; she did. I felt safe with her. Even though I was miserable and isolated, I feared being without her. I viewed her criticism as honesty, something that is hard to come by. As I became more aware throughout this dream, I realized: She was me, and her kid was actually my kid. More accurately, was another me. One half of me or maybe an alternate version of me. She was strong and emotionless, got shit done, and kept things together. Without her, I am sensitive, overflowing with emotion, and a mess. In waking life, I am bisexual and a mix of all these things. It is as if I was split into two entire people in this dream.