Screaming or howling

Here is an excerpt of my dream journal on <URL> I went to bed an hour later than usual (11:30pm). A bottle of wine and pizza may have contributed to my state. I wake up at 3:45am to write: I am in bed watching an engrossing but creepy documentary. It begins mildly enough, but in the first few minutes it becomes apparent that this is not a pleasant video. There is cerebral violence and profound sadness here. I had put this DVD in to watch while following along with a manuscript, which I had in my hand, and in my own handwriting. The details of the DVD are hazy now, but there is a lot of strong and dark emotion, and my notes, of course, coincide with that same dark theme. As the DVD plays and I read along intently, <PERSON> comes in, apparently having been talking to other loved ones outside about me. She is concerned about the content of the DVD and about my state of mind. I point to a place in the manuscript of significant emotional anguish, and I tell her that I am not ready to let go of these feelings. Besides, I have no choice. It is all here in the script. It is all here in my life. I cannot escape it. I realize that the manuscript is my dream journal, and the DVD is a recording of my dreams. This is a nightmare, the first recalled since I began writing my dream journal. I realize, too, that it is a movie I have seen played before in previous dreams. I am drawn to it. Morbidly riveted, actually. I want to scream aloud to relieve my soul of the bottled feelings, but in doing so I know it will harm those around me, causing frightful confusion. They would never understand. <PERSON> leaves the room, sympathetic and understanding. She understands. She always understands. I release a huge silent scream of pain. My spine tingles with ice cold terror. This is a lonely journey, I realize. Sometimes terrifying.